


The New American Dictionary

by Detached_Humorist



Category: Original Work
Genre: America, Dictionary, Humor, Other, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-09 00:47:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3229934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Detached_Humorist/pseuds/Detached_Humorist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The only dictionary for Real Americans. More patriotic than a star-spangled eagle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The New American Dictionary

**admire**  
_verb_  
1\. To acknowledge one’s similarities to you.

 **America**  
_noun_  
1\. The nation largely considered, mostly by itself, to be superior to all others.

 **anti-American**  
_adjective_  
1\. Immoral.

 **bank**  
_noun_  
1\. An institution in which you store your money so it can be given to someone else.

 **breast**  
_noun_  
1\. A strange bit of anatomy, considered vulgar despite not having anything to do directly with procreation.

 **café**  
_noun_  
1\. A business where people can show their computer brand loyalty in public.

 **censorship**  
_noun_  
1\. Any form of disagreement with one's opinion.

 **Congress**  
_noun_  
1\. A collection of trained monkeys.

 **copyright**  
_noun_  
1\. A ransom on creativity.

 **council**  
_noun_  
1\. A group of men gathered to talk endlessly about nothing.

 **cubicle**  
_noun_  
1\. A cage intended to contain humans and suppress independent thought.

 **cui bono**  
_phrase_  
1\. _Latin_. What’s in it for me?

 **cult**  
_noun_  
1\. A religion without financial backing.

 **cyberspace**  
_noun_  
1\. The place most go while confined within office space.

 **defame**  
_verb_  
1\. To tell the truth about an individual.

 **democracy**  
_noun_  
1\. A hypothetical system of government in which the people are given supreme power.

 **dictator**  
_noun_  
1\. Any leader you aren’t fond of. See **President**.

 **dictionary**  
_noun_  
1\. A method of forcing a word’s meaning to remain in stasis.

 **do**  
_verb_  
1\. Procrastinate.

 **ergo**  
_adverb_  
1\. Therefore I’m right.

 **forum**  
_noun_  
1\. The gladiatorial arena of the modern age.

 **fromage**  
_noun_  
1\. _French_. Any cheese that costs slightly more money than you currently have.

 **fundamentalism**  
_noun_  
1\. The belief that the Old Testament laws should be followed by everyone except yourself.

 **fundamentalist**  
_noun_  
1\. Someone who has never read the Bible, but wishes to impose it upon others.

 **government**  
_noun_  
1\. The branches of operation in the United States, comparable to three gears in a triangular formation.

 **homophobia**  
_noun_  
1\. The fear that acceptance of homosexuality will lead to forcefully realizing why you feel strange around your friend.

 **hypocrisy**  
_noun_  
1\. A necessary component in society. Without it, there would be no law.

 **imagine**  
_verb_  
1\. To contemplate things much better than the current situation.  
2\. To contemplate things much worse than the current situation.

 **Independence Day**  
_noun_  
1\. An excuse to become greatly intoxicated and set off various small explosives.

 **intelligence**  
_noun_  
1\. A trait valued in the lawyer but not the politician.

 **kilt**  
_noun_  
1\. A garment worn exclusively by Americans in Scotland.

 **law**  
_noun_  
1\. An arbitrary system of rules created on a whim. See **Congress**.

 **lawyer**  
_noun_  
1\. A paid criminal.

 **literally**  
_adverb_  
1\. Very.

 **love**  
_noun_  
1\. A concept frequently observed from a distance but rarely experienced firsthand.

 **meme**  
_noun_  
1\. An image or video repeated on the Internet until it ceases to be any longer funny.

 **misdemeanor**  
_noun_  
1\. A felony committed by a rich man.

 **muttonchops**  
_noun_  
1\. A breed of sideburn that appears to take issue with gravity.

 **Nazi**  
_noun_  
1\. A person with an opinion differing from yours. See **communist** , **shill**.

 **nepotism**  
_noun_  
1\. The standard American hiring process.

 **officer**  
_noun_  
1\. An employed vigilante.

 **opinion**  
_noun_  
1\. Fact.

 **pandemonium**  
_noun_  
1\. The natural state of being.

 **patriotism**  
_noun_  
1\. The desire to prove yourself a fool to the rest of the world. See **Independence Day**.

 **politics**  
_noun_  
1\. A sport in which ignorant people divide into two groups and argue at length.

 **President**  
_noun_  
1\. A primary source of entertainment for men, women, and children across America.

 **satire**  
_noun_  
1\. Any statement later deemed offensive. See **hypocrisy**.

 **shill**  
_noun_  
1\. A person who does not believe in a particular conspiracy theory. See **Liberal**.

 **syzygy**  
_noun_  
1\. 25 points in Scrabble.

 **terrorist**  
_noun_  
1\. A freedom fighter from a third-world country.

 **thingamajig**  
_noun_  
1\. That one thing that does that.

 **tradition**  
_noun_  
1\. An obsolete belief or custom kept around so we don’t have to make new ones.

 **trilogy**  
_noun_  
1\. A series consisting of three or more works.

 **veto**  
_noun_  
1\. The power to change the outcome of a vote. See **democracy**.

 **war**  
_noun_  
1\. An efficient way to spend copious amounts of money and make other countries look bad.


End file.
